


5 times Wade and Peter tried to fuck in peace and every time they got interrupted

by Pyroperception



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Gift Fic, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 15:31:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11786091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pyroperception/pseuds/Pyroperception
Summary: This is a gift fic/ chapter for Vixen13.This takes place sometime after chapter 13 of her fic "Cheaper by The Three Dozen", so it obviously contains spoilers for that fic up until that point. Read with care!The summary is exactly what it says in the title.





	5 times Wade and Peter tried to fuck in peace and every time they got interrupted

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vixen13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vixen13/gifts).



1.

Wanda was just trying to find a quiet place to drink her morning coffee. She wasn't the nicest person just after waking up. Especially when the constant chittering and rustling of spider legs made it hard for her to sleep at night.

But mostly she didn't want to risk endangering Peter's kids by them being in her proximity during her morning ritual. That’s why she wasn't hiding. At least that's what she told herself.

Wanda grew more and more desperate as she walked through the empty hallways, looking for a homely place to sit down. Cobwebs were strewn at various corners. This hallway she had turned onto seemed to be longer than the others.

The overhead light flickered and buzzed out. The windowless corridor instantly became pitch dark. Wanda gripped her coffee cup tighter.

She reached out with her other hand, trying to feel the wall. Instead her fingers came into contact with the thin webs and she nearly screamed. It echoed strangely through the hallways as if it came from multiple sources.

Wanda quieted down.“Hello?”, she said half-loud.

A ghastly moan answered her. Wanda froze in terror.

Readying her glowing left hand in front of her – why hadn't she thought of that earlier? - Wanda spied down the end of the corridor but she couldn't see anything. The shadows clung to the corners more than the damn webs. Again she heard that terrible sound.

“ _I'm an Avenger_ ,” she muttered to herself and began to investigate.

Wanda went to the end of the hallway then left then right then left again. _How big was this house? Shouldn't she be outside already?_ She had the feeling that the house was trying to trap her. Her heart was beginning to beat faster, if from mental or physical exhaustion, she couldn’t tell. She leaned against the wall of the corridor to take a breather.

She managed to calm down a bit but her breathing sped up again, as she once more heard the ghastly noises. Wanda told herself to calm down but then a spindly hand touched her arm.  
Wanda immediately dropped her cup and screamed her lungs raw at the smaller (but not actually small) spider looking at her from where it was pinned on the wall. It made scared chittering noises and ran up to ceiling and cowered.

Wanda quickly caught herself, embarrassed and horrified for different reasons. “Oh fuck, my coffee- please ignore the bad word I just said - I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scream at you, please come down here,” she babbled apologizingly. She instantly felt bad for getting so appalled at one of Peter's children.

The spider shook its head, which was actually it shaking its whole body on its eight legs, since spiders can't shake their heads.

“I have candy”, Wanda dangled the lollipop, which she had pulled from her jacket, between her fingers.

In a moment the spider crawled down the wall to sit on her shoulder. She gave it the lollipop, after she had unpacked it and watched the spider hold it between its hairy legs while nibbling at it with its fangs. Wanda questioned how she could possibly be so scared of something so adorable.

“Why are you down here anyway?”, she asked it. Wanda was starting to feel awkward to mentally call the child an “it” but she had no clue what gender the child was.

The spider nearly dropped its lollipop while it tried to make her understand something through a charade involving waving and chirping.

“Okay, I don't think we're getting anywhere with this. Do you wanna crawl back to the others? There's something scary happening down here.” But the spider just clung to her tighter. Wanda sighed and continued down the hallway.

“I get it you're scared. This place honestly reminds me of a horror mansion. Crazy scientist and all.” The spider reacted by chattering at her, obviously angry.

“Hey, sorry, it was a joke. Your Dad is a good person... just dating someone obviously crazy.” The spider flicked her ear. “Ow! Really?”

Wanda was about to go into parent lecture mode, when she heard something crash from a door to her left. She jumped to the wall and slid herself up to it.

Wanda was prepared to fight to the death and defend the spider child on her shoulder still licking its lollipop. She threw open the door and readied her glowing hands.

What she found was Wade on his knees licking a lollipop of a different kind, which was attached to Peter. Wanda instinctively shielded the spider's eight eyes.

“Um, hello. Want a sausage?”, Wade reached behind himself in the cramped food storage room and held up a salami for Wanda. The scarlet witch laid her piercing gaze on him which burned him far worse than her chaos blasts would have done.

“Guess not.”

Peter meanwhile groaned, while he covered his face with one hand and tried to cover his crotch with the other. “I'm so sorry Wanda, you shouldn't have to see this.”

“Li!” Wade jumped up from his crouched position and held out his arms for the spider child. “Awwww, were you looking for your daddies?”

“Wade, please shut up”, said both the annoyed voices of Peter and Wanda.

“Gasp, no fighting in front of the children! You’re tearing this family apart. Hmmph, fine I'm taking my stuff and moving to California. Bye.” He briskly walked through the door and threw it closed after himself, leaving Wanda and Peter inside the food storage.

Peter looked at the ground, pants zipped up again, even if it did nothing to hide the evidence. “Look, I'm sorry-”

“Don't. I'm just happy this mansion isn't haunted.”

“What?”

“Nothing, let's get out of here.” Wanda turned and made to open the door but it wouldn't budge.

“Oops, it only opens from the other side, I- we must have forgot somehow.... hehe.” Wanda leveled a glare at him and banged at the door, raising her voice so Wade would hear and come back.

Many loud screams echoed through the hallway of horrors that day.

2.

Peter felt extremely exhausted. Besides caring for his children and his general anxious personality, he now also had to deal with all his superhero colleagues trying to figure out if Wade was abusing him. Which was far from the truth, the man was his safe haven. So it was only natural that Peter wanted to spend some private time with him alone in their room.

Wade had ripped open his shirt in the middle, his mouth now firmly attached to Peter’s chest. But the latter didn’t care, since Wade had bought him a whole wardrobe on his canada trips anyway and he didn’t even like half of them. Nobody in their right mind would wear _Hello Kitty_ merchandise.

Peter let out a soft gasp as Wade started sucking on his nipples which turned into a moan when the other firmly bit down.

“Wade, easy there. I thought we already ate tacos earlier?”

“Yes and I’m getting dessert right now”, Wade said between open mouthed kisses.

Peter hit him over the head. “Enough with the food puns. Wanda is never gonna let me live this down.”

Wade rolled his eyes. “I already apologized to her, didn’t I?”

“Yeah because I made you, you big child.”

“Oh, Daddy, you’re gonna spank me cause I’ve been bad?” Wade said while wiggling his eyebrows.

Peter wanted to groan in indignation but let out a short yip when he saw two hands floating through the wall. “Oh my god, Wanda was right, this house is really haunted!”

“Good evening, gentlemen, I believe we are under attack”, said the robotic voice of Vision as he floated in the room. Peter made to jump up but Wade pushed him down.

Wade kept lying between Peter’s legs, unmoving. “What do you mean ‘under attack’? The alarm didn’t go off.”

“Wade, this is really not the time-” Peter sucked in a short breath as Wade pressed his palm on his dick through his pants, hard.  
“Did you play around with our alarm system, Robocop?”

“I was advised to do so by Mr. Stark but I can assure I didn’t. Your alarm system is possibly just of inferior quality.”

“Oh is that so.” Wade continued to rub Peter through his jeans, while Peter felt trapped, not knowing what to do with himself. “What else did Iron Cock tell you to do?”

“Mr. Stark is no longer my Master, though I see him as my Creator. I do not take orders from him, but I do appreciate guidance in the mundane things.”

“Ah I see so you’re here on an informal mission to cockblock me. Gotcha.” Wade shoved one of his hands under Peter’s waistband, gripping his butt, the other tried to push the front down.

“Wa-ade, what the fuck are you doing?! Vision is literally right there!”

“So? He’s a robot. Pretend he’s furniture.”

“What? Wade, NO.”

“Come on pumpkin, let’s give him a show. I bet Vision is totes into voyeurism, it’s basically in his name.”

Vision would later report to Stark that the hand print left on Wade’s cheek rivaled his suit in colour.

3.

“Fuck me, you stud. Yeah, ride me like a pony.”

“Wade, please stop.”

“You want me to stop? Okay,” and Wade stopped thrusting his hips up into Peter.

“Not like this, you asshole!”

“Come on, you gotta work for it, Petey. Build up some core strength while you're at it.”

“I have enough strength to break your hips when I'll pound you into the mattress, Wilson.”

“No excuse to be lazy then. Get to work, my Prince.”

“You called?”, answered Loki from the door. “Oh,” the shifter said when he saw what was going on in the darkness of the bedroom, “On second thought, nobody has called me by my former title in a long time.”

Peter screamed and scrambled off Wade. He hid himself under their single blanket entirely, leaving Wade in all his naked glory. The mercenary seemed nonplussed. “Ah, come on, Petey, don't be shy, everyone's seen your junk already.”

“These blue balls are all your fault Wade, just because you can't shut up for once in you life.”

Wade let out an indignant gasp and the couple immediately started bickering. Peter called him various PG-rated insults because he wouldn't embarrass himself further in front of Loki.

Loki cleared his throat, bringing attention to himself again. “I see that your relationship is not without strife. Shall I help you alleviate it?

“Haha, like what? You got a degree in therapy?”

“May I rephrase myself: Can I join you?”

Loki then seemingly misinterpreted the shocked silence that followed as an intrigued audience (or he simply didn't care). He continued to explain the loneliness of a single mother in her mid life crisis in detail and began an elaborate retelling of his many furry and one scaly encounters.

Peter, hiding himself in the blanket and his hands pressed over his ears, left his bedroom as soon as he broke out of his stupor. He heard Wade's interested Oh's and Ah's way down the hallway but he shut the door of his lab behind himself before they turned into anything else... at least he mostly assumed, Wade wouldn't cheat on him.

_I'm gonna kill him_ , he thought.

4.

“Peter!”

“Wade!”

“PETER!”

“What?”

“We have to fuck! Now.”

“Are you crazy?” Now?!”

“Don't you see, this is one of those dreaded guest chapters and the Author is trying to make me- us go crazy with denial? We need to trick them and FUCK NOW when we have the chance. I don't wanna die of blue balls, I already did that onc-”

Wade got interrupted by a repulsor blast to the lower nether regions by iron Man. Wade screamed of pain, Peter screeched, Tony threw his hands up and screamed sarcastically.

“Cockblocked by Iron Dad again”, Wade whined while rolling on the leafy ground.

“What the fuck, Tony?”

“What, he was about to sexually assault you? You can't tell me, you were willing.” Tony made a step forward to put a fatherly hand on Peter's shoulder.

“You know you can tell me, if he's been pressuring you into this... Whatever this is. But it's not a relationship that's for sure-” Tony didn't get to finish his sermon because he was interrupted by a sticky web wrapping itself around his helmet.

“LEAVE.”

“Humph?”, came the muffled question.

“Leave Tony.” Peter was practically seething. “You just metaphorically kicked my- my...”

“Your boyfriend's treasured crown jewels? Honeybunch owns those, you know,” Wade said the last part to Tony, who had free himself of the webbing.

Peter didn't know who he should glare at and considered turning into his spider form, just so he had eight eyes to work with. The choice was taken from him though because Tony had vanished mysteriously ~~by the powers of fanfiction~~.

5\. 

Peter was facing a problem. He couldn't get it up anymore.

At first Wade had teased him about getting old and growing into his daddy body. _“You've got the kids already.”_ But soon his boyfriend had taken it personally. They had fought about it and Peter got banned to the couch.

Peter rolled around on the smelly couch, questioning why he was the one on the couch. He stared at the decade old TV and cassette deck, opposite from him. Wade had found them in the garbage of the village nearby and tinkered with them, while Li held the screwdrivers for him. He had considered buying a brand new flat screen but he believed the bulky TV was slightly more resistant to the kids’ antics.

Wade had wanted to show the kids some anime tapes, since he thought it to be vital in their cultural upbringing. When Goku had raised his hands in the air and said “Everyone! Give me your energy!”, dozens of little spider hands had gone in the air. Peter thought it was adorable.

Thankfully, Wade had brought other tapes too. Peter rifled through them. He found one that had “Nature Channel '83: Spider Edition” written on it. A sudden urge struck him to watch it.

Peter found himself growing more and more interested. His nerd side was completely captivated. Especially, when the segment about spider mating habits started, like how some species would break off their own dick to insert into the female as a makeshift dildo plug. Peter found himself growing hard in his pants.

He was slightly confused but didn't question it further. With a “Eureka!”, he jumped off the couch and ventured to his bedroom to ravish his loved one.

When he entered, Wade was reading a book about _Meta-Human Ethics_ , a pair of glasses resting on his nose. As he tilted his head down, they slid down his nose, making him look like a bald, sexier version of Dr. Connors.

Peter leaned against the door frame seductively. “Hello there”, he drawled.

Wade put his book down, which hid a porno magazine and the glasses on their night table. He hadn't missed the state Peter was in. “How long you gonna stay there and watch me, handsome?”

“You're the handsome one because you're getting some hands on you.” Peter then proceeded to climb Wade like the Empire State Building.

Wade wanted to compliment him on the pun but was silenced by Peter's mouth on his. “What a great way to make up,” Wade sighed, in between Peter's kisses on his cheek, neck and throat. The later kisses soon turned to possessive bites, hard enough to puncture the skin.

“Woah there, Tiger. If you're hungry, there's still leftover hamburgers from my teleporter trip to Saskatchewan.”

“You went to Canada two weeks ago, I'm not eating those. Actually I have something fresher in mind.” With that Peter leaned over and reached into the nightstand.

“Oh, _Peter_ ”, Wade waggled his hairless eyebrows at him. He made to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, but said boyfriend had other plans.

Peter finally grabbed his web shooters from the mess in the nightstand and proceeded to web Wade's arms to his sides.

“Well, I didn't imagine you would shoot your load that quickly, but I don't mind where this is going.” Wade's eyebrow waggling intensified. Peter ignored his dorky boyfriend's mouth, only to focus on his very hard dick. He freed it from his sweatpants and eagerly wrapped his plush lips around it.

Wade continued to babble nonsense while Peter got him ready and wet. He slicked Wade up and down with lube from the nightstand. Wade talked more so he decided to shut him up while sitting on his face and letting Wade lick him open. “More, more!”, he moaned.

“Can I fuck you already”, Wade whined, breathing heavily and bucking his hips needily.

“Sure, let me just...” and he turned around under Wade’s needy gaze. He then proceeded to finger his ass open some more. He generously coated his insides with lube, making some of it dribble out when he finally removed his fingers.

“On to the main course”, Peter said and wrestled with Wade’s cock to fit it into his sloppy hole. It slipped away several time but he finally managed to angle his dick just right. Peter slipped down on it with a long drawn out moan.

“Ah fuck yes, I needed that.” Peter began to circle his hips slowly.

“Mrmpfhg.”

Peter ignored Wade’s babble and continued to ride him into the ground. He tried every move that he knew would drive Wade crazy and eagerly used it against him. He started with a fast and hard pace, and would slow down after every third bounce and grind his hips on Wade’s dick. Peter attentively watched Wade’s face and body language to see how close he was getting, then he would slow down again.

For Wade it was complete and utter torture. He was completely at Peter’s mercy who continued to deny him until he was satisfied and pent up enough to find his own release. Peter suddenly tightened around Wade.

“Ah yes, fuck me harder, Wade! Get me pregnant with your eggs!” Wade got very confused when he heard those words but he was too far gone to care at this point. After several gasps and moans, they finished. Peter removed the gag and restraints and laid down on top of Wade, nuzzling his neck.

Wade found himself falling asleep wrapped in Peter's possessive embrace but a single horrifying thought made him wide awake.

“I don't wanna pay child support!”, Wade yelled, sitting up. He looked around himself, the blanket covering his legs and the slumbering form next to him.

It had all been a nightmare... a wet dream? He reached down. Yes, definitely a wet dream.

“Honey, what's wrong...”, mumbled his sleepy boyfriend. Peter turned around and tried to tug Wade's arm around him. “Go back to sleep.”

After not getting a reaction from his boyfriend for several seconds, Peter looked up at him. “You don't wanna cuddle? You had a bad dream, you'll feel better.”

“Can I be the little spoon?”

Peter hummed in agreement and they positioned themselves. Wade cooed appreciatively after being wrapped in a tight spider hug. After a while Peter petted his boyfriend’s bald head. “Now tell me what's wrong.”

Wade whined and started rambling. “Aaah, Petey, it was so horrible, you turned all Black Widow on me and I don't mean that you wore a little black leather suit to catch my attention – I mean you already have it – and they're not my children, but I love our kids, I always will. I didn't mean what I said!”

“Hmm, what are you talking about? And Wade, Li basically loves you more than me. You make a great dad.”

“I wanna be a momma though. I look good in just an apron and I already cook and clean for you all day, after you slaved away in your lab.”

Peter hummed and started nibbling at Wade's throat. “How about I help you get your mind off things?”

“Oh, like what?”

“Mhm, I could top you.”

“I thought you'd never ask! Let's get to it.” Wade turned around and spread his ass cheeks. “Now I really know I'm dreaming because Vixen would never write Top!Peter if her life depended on it.”

“What?”

Peter then inserted his penis into Wade's guardian muscle. They both orgasmed.

**Author's Note:**

> Consider flaming me in the comments. Fite me (ง'̀-'́)ง


End file.
